Hearts
by iEATfood
Summary: lazloEdward slash will edward come to terms with his emotions or live forever in denail? it's sillier than I let on here [now betaed by red mad queen]
1. no, i'm not okay

_Author's Note: this fic is Lazlo/Edward, and is technically the first slash I've written. It's the first romance I've written, too. It's filled with grammar mistakes and other atrocities to the English language, but I wanted to submit it before I grew old and died so I didn't proofread it as well as I should've…_

_(edit) thank you red mad queen for the beta !!! _

_Disclaimer:__ if I owned these characters I wouldn't be submitting a story about them to a site called FANfiction. _

Hearts

Edward stood on the lake shore in his standard camp kidney swimsuit. He would have gotten in if the water hadn't been infested with stupidity. Said stupidity was now waving at him from the water.

"Hey, Edward!" Lazlo said, waving to Edward from the water. "Come in, the water's great!"

Edward growled. "I'd rather have my tail chopped off than get in the water with you, Laaazlo!" He yelled, shaking his fist in Lazlo's direction. He put it back down after he was content as Lazlo's smile faded slightly.

"Anyway, I'm waiting for more people to show up." He continued. He looked past Lazlo, and saw the other two idiots in the water. He didn't like the thought of being second in the water after the Jelly Beans.

"Raj and Clam are here." Lazlo pointed out.

"I meant _real_ people, Lazlo."

"I am very real!" said Raj from the water. "Are you real?" he asked, turning to Clam.

"No." Clam replied, diving underwater.

"Let's play Marco-polo!" Giggled Lazlo before he swam out to join them.

And as the Jelly Beans frolicked and played, Edward glared at them, angry. Angry at their fun and angry at their innocence.

He couldn't stomach them- especially their ring leader, Lazlo. He was so… so… happy! Who gave him the right to enjoy his life so much?!

Edward had lots of reasons to hate Lazlo. Jealousy was one of them, although Edward would never admit to that one. He also hated Lazlo for never hating him back no matter how hard he tried to act aloof and uncaring, and sometimes even openly hostile.

Lazlo never hated him, or even got mad at him, and Edward hated that. It made it harder and harder to not like Lazlo, and if he didn't not like Lazlo, that would mean he liked him, and that was just, well…

He definitely didn't like Lazlo, despite whatever his heart thought, and it was best kept out of the general public's eye.

"Edward? What's that floating over your head?" Asked Lazlo, sounding cheerfully curious.

Edward looked up. There was a little heart hovering above his head, playing witness to the guilty emotions stirred up by his "Lazlo" thoughts. Edward gave out a little scream, grabbed it before anyone could see it properly, and ran. He couldn't think of anything else to do.

On the way to his cabin, he bumped into the rest of the campers.

"Sorry we're late, Edward!" Said Skip.

"Sampson took a _really_ long time." Continued Chip.

"Whatcha got there, Ed?" Asked one of the lemmings, peeking out of the throng behind his strangely identical brothers.

"Nothing!" Edward said nervously, hiding the heart behind his back.

"It looked shiny and red…" said Sampson in that nasally voice of his.

"Strange, so are you." Said Ping Pong accusingly, but then Ping Pong always sounded as if he was accusing someone of something.

"Eeh!!?" Edward just realized that he was blushing furiously. "I-I forgot my sunscreen!! Yeah, I'm just gonna to go get it… right now!" He said, panicking before he ran away.

There was a short pause from the campers.

"I forgot my sunscreen!!" screamed Sampson.

The other campers groaned.

Inside Pinto cabin, Edward slammed the door, shoved a bed-side table in front of it, then he sat on his bed, pulling the covers over his head. Under the covers, he let go of the heart. It cast a reddish pink glow, illuminating the cavern formed by Edward and the blanket.

"You're mocking me, aren't you?" Edward told the heart. It just floated there next to his head, not answering.

"You're just ONE of the many troubles that darn monkey keeps causing me! You know that!?"

There was a soft popping noise, and another heart formed next to first one.

"No I don't…" he said sullenly. He didn't even know why he was talking to it, stupid thing.

"Why do these things have to happen to me? Why? What did I do to deserve this? I never killed anybody, did I?!" The twin hearts seemed happy to not answer him. Edward sighed, resting his head on his knees.

"This is all Lazlo's fault! Now I'm...Guh…" He stopped himself from saying it. He wouldn't even utter such filthy words! Saying it would add a whole new level of realism he didn't want to deal with right now.

He pointed furiously at the hearts, his hand shaking slightly. "You don't exist! Okay?! You never happened!!" ---

Later, when he was sure no one was around, he buried the two hearts behind the cabin. There were no hearts or Lazlo for the rest of the day, but it was marshmallow night that evening, and it was going to be hard to avoid the monkey there. Things where just never easy…

Officially, marshmallow night was once a week. Despite this, sometimes a bunch of daring campers would steal some marshmallows and have their own unofficial marshmallow night, and since unofficial meant unauthorized, scoutmaster Lumpus was totally allowed to go raid these parties, confiscate all the marshmallows, eat some of them, and go home, cheeks nearly bursting with marshmallow goo. But since today was officially marshmallow night, the scoutmaster was not allowed to do that, unless, of course, he thought the scouts were using the marshmallows reprehensibly…

"You there!" He shouted at one random camper. "That is incorrect use of a marshmallow! Scout, I'll be taking that!" scoutmaster Lumpus snatched a marshmallow from a little aardvark boy, his heart secretly leaping with glee at the feel of the mushy treat in his hands.

"But I was just going to eat it…" Aardvark boy said. Sadly, Aardvark boy's pleas were to no avail since Lumpus had already shoved the marshmallow into his unwieldy maw.

"Hmm mm marshmallow…" Lumpus said to himself, mumbling happily and licking the sticky goop off of his lips and fingers.

And so, as little Aardvark Boy runs away crying, we pan our cameras behind him, and then stop, not only because Aardvark Boy is nameless and uninteresting, but also because here is Lazlo.

He sits there, surrounded by his friends and a bunch of campers, telling them "scary" stories, such as mystical life of the sugar plum fairies and how they could turn custard into cheese.

Edward arrived. He stood straight, head up with his trademark scowl covering his face. Nothing to give a clue about how terrified he was right then at just the thought of the embarrassment that would ensue if anyone caught him accidentally making hearts at Lazlo. It sent a cold shiver down his spine.

All he had to do was avoid Lazlo, and he'd be in the clear.

Don't even make eye contact…

Unfortunately, when Lazlo saw Edward, he rushed up to greet him.

"Edward, you're here! We were starting to worry about you!" He said, and then, probably to prove how worried he was, or possibly because he was a Brazilian spider monkey, and hugging was how they socialized, he wrapped his arms around Edward and gave him a little squeeze. "We were just about to send Clam out to get you… hey, did you hear that?"

"No." Edward said nervously.

"There was a popping noise." Lazlo said thoughtfully, looking around for the source of the noise.

"Must've been the fire." Said Edward quickly, shoving the newly formed heart under his hat. After it was securely out of the eyes of campers, he pushed Lazlo away.

"Stay away from me!" He said angrily.

Lazlo didn't hear this, of course he was the fabled hear-no-evil see-no-evil monkey, and usually ignored anything that would upset him.

He spent the rest of the night in Edward's face, thinking Edward's depressed demeanor needed cheering up.

Soon the moon was high in the sky, and several campers started singing cheesy camp songs. After a little while, Edward caught Lazlo sticking half molten pieces of marshmallow together, making a vaguely humanoid shape. After he was done, he held it out to show Edward.

"Hello, Edward! I'm Marshmallow man! Won't you dance with me under the moonlight?" Lazlo said, giggling.

Edward blushed. He then turned his lips into a scowl to try to stop Lazlo or any of the other campers from noticing his reddened face.

"Get that thing out of my face, Lazlo!!!" He yelled, freaking out.

Suddenly, a silhouette jumped out of the bushes. "Ah HA! Using marshmallows to harass other campers? Shame, shame, Lazlo! Hand 'em over!" Lumpus didn't wait for Lazlo to hand them over- he simply snatched it, a greedy glint in his eyes. He took Marshmallow man, started chewing on his head, and disappeared into the darkness of the woods just a quickly as he had appeared.

Lazlo followed him to plead for Marshmallow man's freedom, for Lazlo claimed he had a wife and two kids who were being made as they were speaking by Raj and Clam.

Edward felt relieved, although a tiny part of him felt empty seeing Lazlo leave, it was a tiny part of himself he wished he could kill right now for all the trouble it was causing him. Hearts had been popping up left and right all night. He stuffed some into his pockets, but most of them were jammed into his hat. There were so many of them, the fabric was stretched to its limit, and his hat seemed to tower over his head like a small skyscraper. Thankfully, (and as usual, in Edward's opinion) everyone was too stupid to notice.

Lazlo came back smiling. As usual. "Hey guys, Lumpy said he'd gladly take Marshmallow man and his family to a better place!"

Raj and Clam cheered.

"Is that better place his stomach?" asked Edward in a bitter, mocking tone.

"Edward!" Lazlo gasped, staring at Edward as if he had uttered a profanity. "Lumpy wouldn't do that! That's such a negative thought, Edward." He said, his big grin replaced with a little worried look.

_Lazlo should hold on to that look, it looks better on him than that clueless smile of his… _

Edward's thoughts were interrupted by more popping noises coming from under his hat.

Uh oh.

His face went red and he started sweating. He cursed himself for being so weak, because he was sure that this sort of thing would _never_ have happened to any of his brothers.

Seeing Edward's obvious discomfort, Lazlo's worried look turned even more worried.

"Are you okay?" He asked, stepping closer to Edward.

_No, I'm not okay! _That voice that was always in the back of Edward's mind screamed.

"I'm fine!" Edward said, twittering nervously. He got up off the log he was sitting on and started taking steps backward. "I just need to get some fresh air, okay? Don't follow me!"

"Okay…I guess…" And before Lazlo could finish, Edward tore off from the camp fire.

He had to get rid of these hearts!

Clutching his hat to his head, Edward headed towards the lake.

Two campers stood by the lake shore, staring into Leaky Lake's murky depths. At night, the lake was inky black, the lights from acorn flats on the other side of the lake shining on its iridescent surface.

"Purty, ain't it?" Said one of the campers. His name was Fred, he was a walrus.

"I dunno. It's kinda creepy at night." Said the other camper, a small, nervous-looking hippo named Sheldon.

"Large bodies o' water are always creepy at night." Said Fred. "'Cause -'cause anything can happen near water at night…" He paused a bit, running what he just said against a mental repository of child folklore and things his grandma had told him.

"Yup …anything."

Sheldon shuddered.

It was then that Edward stumbled into view. He was a little ways off and didn't see them, but then again no one ever did. By now his hat was the size of a small elephant, but it wasn't heavy, as the hearts were feather-light, but it was nevertheless hard to move around.

Under it, Edward staggered and growled at himself. It was that tiny part of him under all of the rage inside of him that cried, "_Hug__ me again, Lazlo!_". It was becoming harder and harder to stamp it down.

There was a noise, and at first, he couldn't tell what it was. Then he realized it was the sound of ripping fabric

"Oh god…" He could only whisper in fear.

_BOOM!_

Sheldon fainted. Fred just looked up as pretty pink fireworks filled the air.

"Purty, ain't it?" he repeated, a glassy, simpleton's look smeared on his face.

The sound attracted the rest of the campers. They came because of curiosity and stayed for the show.

And it was quite a show.

It had everything you could wish for in a fireworks display; lots of things that went whoosh and sparkled a little too pink, though, but the fact that it all came from a mortified platypus's head made up for it.

Edward loved attention, but this wasn't the kind he ever wanted. Thankfully for him, however, he was unconscious…

When Edward woke up, there was a bright light for a second, and he thought he was dead. It took him a moment to realize that he was on a bed and there was a light fixture above him on the ceiling. Three hearts bobbed lazily over his head. Hearts…

The unpleasant memory of the heart fiasco surfaced in his mind. Edward groaned. Now he wished he was dead. He then looked around, and saw how everything was sterile and blue.

_O.K, where the heck AM I?_ Edward wondered to himself. Just as he thought it, a surly-looking pink shark on an office chair wheeled himself in.

"You're in the patient's ward." He said, answering Edward's question without being asked. Edward remembered Sampson telling him that Nurse Leslie's (Who was, as Edward now saw, the identity of the pink shark.) blue eye could look right in your skull.

_Why do I hang out with that butterball, anyways?_ He wondered, shuddering.

Nurse Leslie checked his clipboard, then said, "Lazlo brought you in yesterday. He said that you had fainted."

"Am I going to die?" Edward asked, but he couldn't help thinking things like: _Lazlo brought me in? How'd he bring me in? Did he carry me? _

…_Oh god._ He decided to stop, even though he had more thoughts like that, in case Nurse Leslie was spying on his thoughts.

"No. You fainted from shock; you're fine now."

"That's a shame." Edward said, sighing.

Nurse Leslie checked his clipboard again, an act which annoyed Edward to no end. He wondered what was written on it. Medical notes, probably. Doodles? Maybe even if and how Lazlo carried him in… no…no… He tried to avoid that thought.

It was probably just porn, it was the only explanation for him looking at it so often.

"If you'll excuse me, I have a sick moose to check up on… ate one too many marshmallows…" Nurse Leslie started wheeling out, windmilling his tiny legs in the air, which was somehow enough to make him move backwards out the door.

Edward leaned back into the bed. He glanced up, and realized that there were five hearts currently hovering over his head.

"Nuuuuuuuuurrrssssssse Leeeeessssllliiieeeeee!!!! Heeeeyyy!! Get back in here!" Edward yelled.

Leslie came back. "Have you ever seen a sick moose? It's not pretty…" he said, somewhat peeved. He had been in a bad mood since Lazlo put Edward in the only ward bed that was directly under a light. He had been hoping to place Lumpus there.

Nurse Leslie didn't get much amusement in his line of work, but he always secretly enjoyed the moose waking up and thinking he was dead.

"Do I look like I give a damn?! Look, I have a problem…"

"I don't do mental cases." Nurse Leslie said uncaringly.

"Do I look mental to you!?" Edward shouted.

Nurse Leslie pointedly kept his mouth shut.

"I need to get rid of these!" Edward said, waving angrily at the hearts "Put an ointment on it or something."

"There's no ointment for a case of hearts, Edward." Nurse Leslie said.

"Then how do you get rid of them?" Edward stopped waving angrily at the hearts.

""Hearts" are merely a sign of affection. People get them when the have crushes." Nurse Leslie said in a matter-of-fact voice.

"HOW do I get rid of them?" Edward asked, becoming impatient.

"I had crush once…" Leslie said randomly, his eyes suddenly turning misty. "Her name was Gloria Gills…" Edward interrupted him by screaming at the top of his lungs.

"JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET RID OF THEM!!" He screamed in that foghorn-loud voice of his that he usually had when he was angry.

"They usually clear up after you admit your feelings to who ever you have a crush on." Nurse Leslie said, shaking his head to clear that look out of his eyes.

"Oh, o.k… Wait! That's not o.k! Dammit! Do you have any scalpels?" he added, deeply considering suicide.

"Not where you can get your hands on them." Nurse Leslie said, now wheeling away before he could miss Lumpus waking up.

"Dammit!" Edward shouted.

_I'm doomed! _He thought to himself.

_Author's note (the return): I don't think I'm very good at writing Lazlo and Edward I think I write Edward like a mafia don crossed with a pole dancer but with added lameness (more pole dancer than mafia don tho..) I'm not sure about how I write Lazlo I'm just hoping everyone's in-character I set a lot in store by in-characterness I can forgive myself for murder (and bad grammar) but not writing out of character. _


	2. bubbly

_Author's note: I was hungry for biryani when I wrote this, they don't make it like they used to…_

-------------

_Hey Lazlo, I love you! Hey Lazlo, I think you're adorable! Hey Lazlo, put me out of my misery!!_

_You can't tell Lazlo things like this… you just can't! Will he understand any of it? Do any thoughts lurk beneath that cheery demeanor? _

_You can't tell him, his friends will be there, and they're always there! It would be too embarrassing… _

But it was either that, or spend the rest of his life with little hearts floating around his head. There was absolutely no way he could build a criminal empire with little hearts orbiting him. That, and he wouldn't be able to live it down if his brothers saw them.

_ok,_ he thought to himself.

_I'll tell him._

He struck a determined pose and sauntered out of the nurse's office and past the waiting room. Several campers stared at him, saw the hearts, and remembered the incident the night before. They were probably wondering who he had a crush on.

Edward wished that some squirrel scouts had been at marshmallow night; then he wouldn't have to put up with scouts thinking he was gay. The fact that it was, however, true stung like poison oak.

His determined pose began to shrink under their stares. He went from standing tall, chest stuck out- to hunched over, glaring at the ground. The path to Jelly cabin seemed to drag on, and by the time he had reached its door, he was practically crawling.

"Hey Edward!" Lazlo said, opening the door before Edward got the chance to work up the courage to knock.

"It's so nice of you to visit!" Edward tried to think of something to say. Lazlo seemed to be dressed in a series of cardboard boxes.

"Um….hey Laz-" Lazlo interrupted him.

"Do you wanna play "Knights of the Round Table" with us?" Lazlo chirped in.

"Huzzah!' Said Clam from somewhere inside the cabin.

"Listen Lazlo, I need to talk to you in private…"

"There's no secrets between friends." Lazlo said, smiling. Edward hated that smile for all the reasons he hated Lazlo.

Anger bubbled up inside him. _"Why does he always have to make this harder for me!? Why_?"

"Laaazlooo!' He yelled angrily, shaking his fist at Lazlo. "When I say "private", I mean private!"

"But…"

"No buts! I didn't walk all the way here from Nurse Leslie's office for buts!" His reddening face seemed to make Lazlo suddenly concerned.

"Edward, relax. Whatever's bothering you, I'm sure we can talk about it…" Edward cut him off.

"That's what I wanna talk to you about…"

"Maybe he needs Biryani Rice! I always feel cranky 'till I've had Biryani Rice!" Raj interrupted.

"Huzzah!" Clam repeated.

Edward turned on them, the fires of hell burning in his eyes.

"Shut up, both of you!"

Raj took a step to the side, putting Clam between him and the angry platypus.

At this moment, Lazlo had no idea what was making Edward so testy, but he remembered his parents telling him that people acted mad when they were unhappy. It was pretty much this thought that drove Lazlo to pestering people like Edward and scoutmaster Lumpus.

He couldn't stand the thought of _anyone_ being unhappy; and right now, Edward must be really unhappy. Or, at least, that was how his thoughts ran as he watched Edward.

Lazlo put a hand on his shoulder. "Edward…" He said, cooing like he was talking to a child. "I know a yoga move that can help you."

Edward had been glaring at Lazlo's hand on his shoulder up to that moment. He looked up as Lazlo's words reached his ears: stupid, ridiculous words. The anger that had been piling up inside him suddenly sloshed to his knees, leaving him feeling empty.

Lazlo got the feeling his suggestion was denied. "Or you could just… talk about your feelings..?" He hesitated for a second, wondering if Edward was about to say something. When no words came, he continued trying to egg Edward on. "It'd make you feel better…"

"I hate you." It was hardly even a whisper. The sound of Edward's voice was even lower than the floorboards' constant creaks, but it cut through the air like a hot knife through butter.

Edward didn't even look up as he said it, his gaze was resting on Lazlo's black shoes. He wasn't angry; he felt… detached. He couldn't even feel the ground under his feet. He tried to gather up all the rage that Lazlo dispersed just to feel in control again.

"I hate you, Lazlo! I hate your smile, I hate the way your so frikkin' happy all the time…!" He advanced towards Lazlo. Lazlo took a few steps back as the words Edward said dawned on him.

"I hate the way everyone likes you, even though they know you're an idiot!

I hate the way I can't tell where your shoes end and your pants start!" Edward looked up, because the shoes where mocking him, and right into Lazlo's eyes. The monkey had backed up right up against the wall now.

"I hate your cockamamie definition of fun! I hate the way you always win!

I hate that you think I'm a nice person, and I absolutely hate the fact that I'm in love with you!!"

Lazlo was right, he did feel better now that he had said it. But only for a few seconds.

As Lazlo's expression turned to one of pure shock, he realized that he had said it. Sure, that was what he meant to do, but now everyone was staring at him.

He blushed, embarrassed, and ran out of the cabin before anyone could say anything.

Later that day, Lazlo was walking around camp. He wasn't going anywhere, he just wanted to clear his head. His two friends trailed after him silently.

They didn't say anything- they could tell he was thinking hard about the situation at hand. They both had their own prediction of what conclusion Lazlo'd reach, so they waited… Eventually, Lazlo stopped walking. He turned, and finally voiced his opinion.

"Poor Edward." He said, looking toward Pinto cabin where Edward had locked himself in. Skip and Chip were sitting on the doorstep, looking glum. They were wondering where they would sleep that night.

"Poor Edward?" echoed Raj in disbelief. "What about poor you!? First he yells at you, and then he declares his undying love for you!" In Raj's point of view, the latter was worse.

"Undying?" Lazlo felt his anxiety escalate. "He didn't say undying. Did he?"

"It's what we presume…" Raj replied solemnly.

Well, then this was more serious than Lazlo had previously thought! Drastic measures were going to have to be taken.

He didn't know a thing about love. Of course, romance was out of his league, but he had to do something to cheer Edward up.

"I know what to do!" He said.

"Let him down easy?" Asked Raj

Lazlo laughed, thinking what Raj said was a joke. "Of course not! I was going to ask him out on a date!"

"What?! Why?"

"That's what people who are in love do! Right?"

"But you- you're not in love with him!" The elephant's eyes suddenly widened. "Are you?"

"I don't know. I've never been in love before- have you?"

"No." Raj answered back.

Clam, who was walking silently beside the two, decided to hold up his side of conversation

"I have!"

Lazlo was intrigued. "What's it feel like?"

"Bubbly."

Lazlo didn't understand a lot of things. Romance was one of those things, so was hate. He did understand door knocking, but only to a certain point. He didn't know that at some point you had to stop.

_Bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok... _

Inside the cabin, Edward pulled the blanket on his bed over his head, trying muffle out the barrage of knocks. He knew who it was. "Go away, Lazlo!"

_Bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok….. _

He opened the door and glared at his oppressor. "What? What do you want?!"

Lazlo's face was so cheerful that it should've been printed out on a hippie van against a backdrop of flowers and peace signs. Edward had to squint to look at him. "Let's go on a date!" Lazlo said, giggling.

Edward slammed the door.

_Bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok..._

Edward opened the door, and growled, "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

"I'm serious." Lazlo replied.

Edward wanted to yell '_no_' but he couldn't. He opened his mouth to try again.

Nothing.

He hated himself for being such a slave to his emotions. After a pause, he said "I'll think about it.", and shut the door silently.

He leaned on the door and sighed.

_'Let's go on a date!'_? Seriously? That wasn't even a question! How was he supposed to reply to that?

A date? Sure, he'd go if he wanted to be mortified for the rest of his life! But, then again, he'd never been on a date before…no! Never! Lazlo was the reason he was hiding in here in the first place!

"I just can't believe you!" A voice close to him said.

_Author's note: gasp! A cliffhanger! the next parts lame though …_


	3. not as fun as stagecoach robberies

"I just can't believe you!" A voice suddenly said.

Edward whipped around, looking for the source of the voice, ready to pound whoever it was who had sneaked into his room.

"…Turning down that cute hunk of monkey!"

His jaw dropped. It was his doll; Veronica!

And, not only that, but she was talking!

Okaaay, he must had just stepped into the twilight zone; "The place where normal things don't happen very often". Sure, Veronica was his emotional support, and he talked to her a lot, but he never expected her to talk _back_.

She talked in an annoying tone of voice, the type common among teenage girls.

It made you want to hit her.

She stood up, looked right at him with her little plastic hands resting on her hips, and continued her speech.

"I mean, like, don't you want to be happy?"

Edward picked her up. "Happy?" He repeated, confused.

She gave him a meaningful look with one of her eyebrows raised. "Duh! Yeah! You're always complainin' to me about how depressed you are, but you never do anything about it!"

Edward couldn't believe his own doll was dissin' him!

"I want you to be happy," She said. "You know you love him, so give him a chance…" and, as though she felt her time of being able to talk and move running out, she blurted out, "And buy a Ben doll; I deserve love, too!"

And then she was back to normal, and reality settled its warm fuzzy blanket around the world again. Whether it was just a hallucination induced by a repressed subconscience or had actually happened, there was only one thing left for Edward to do…

Lazlo sat on the steps of Pinto cabin, leaning on the door and staring at the sky. There's a danger to leaning on doors, but Lazlo was leaning on this one on purpose, since he didn't want to miss it when it opened.

It did. Lazlo nearly fell backwards into the cabin but Edward had his weight on the door so he didn't fall all the way in. Edward glared at Lazlo for his stupidity. Lazlo smiled back.

Edward sighed, his glare fading. "Fine."

"Fine?"

"I'll go out... with you." He said through gritted teeth.

"Really? Oh." Lazlo got up, excited. "Ok! I'll pick you up at eight. Wear something nice!" He commanded nonchalantly, which was something only Lazlo and children's show hosts could do.

_Pick me up? _Edward thought. "Wait! Where are you takin' me?!" He tried to yell out, but Lazlo had already hopped, skipped, and jumped across the camp and out of earshot.

Edward leaned his head on the doorframe and tried not to think about what the other campers would think. He felt defeated and sort of relieved. He came to believe that he would have to leave whatever happened next to chance, and just hope that Veronica was right.

He'd never packed for this. He never thought to himself, _Hey! I'd better pack something nice, in case a monkey asks me out to dinner!_ No, he didn't! Why didn't he!?

He threw a pair of shorts across the room at Skip and Chip, who, for some reason or another, he had let in. Skip put the shorts on his head like a hat. "Look, I'm Edward!" He said to his brother, who laughed.

What did Lazlo expect him to wear anyhow? A suit? A dress? Well… he _did_ have a dress (don't ask), but he wasn't planning on letting anyone see him in it anytime soon. He didn't have a suit. He had a Scab Zombies t-shirt, but what would that say? And… And why did he care what Lazlo would think?! The guy did a gymnastics routine in a sunflower suit, for heavens sake! He wasn't in any position to judge.

Some shorts, after he'd wrestled them off Skip, and a sleeveless t-shirt that was what he ended up wearing. It was good enough, and it wasn't like Lazlo would find anything better…

There was a knock at the door. Lazlo stood in the entrance, grinning. He was wearing a suit.

He looked hot!

Edward looked down at his shoes, feeling suddenly scruffy by comparison. Lazlo got the feeling that Edward was mad at him.

"I like your shirt." He said in effort to lighten the mood. It didn't really work, but it was enough to get Edward out the door.

"So, where are you takin' me?" Edward asked, feeling like he was being taken hostage. In a way, he was. Lazlo had a death grip on his arm.

Lazlo put his index finger to his lips and went _shhh_. He grabbed Edward's hand and dragged him through the woods. The path they were on took them to a clearing. It wasn't a particularly interesting clearing; although it had a stump right in the middle of it.

Someone had draped it with a checkered tablecloth and thus, with very little effort, the clearing was transformed into a posh restaurant.

Standing next to the stump was Raj, looking uncomfortable in a tux. "Please wait to be seated!" He demanded rather than asked politely.

Edward felt a cold shiver down his back as he looked at the stump again. One of Lumpus's scented bath candles had been pilfered to decorate it. Clam was a little ways off to the side, next to a large pot, dressed like a cook.

This wasn't a date; it was a game! It was a frikkin' pretend date!

He shot Lazlo a look of simmering contempt. Lazlo didn't seem to notice, for he was busy smiling at his own handy work. It took a lot of asking around to find out what a date was like, since very few Bean Scouts had experienced one.

He pulled up a "chair for his date.

Edward pushed him away. "Don't bother; its a log!"

He sat on the aformentioned log with a huff.

Lazlo quietly took his seat on the opposite side of the stump. Raj handed them menus. They were just pieces of paper with the word, 'soup' scrawled on in an erratic handwriting that one could only guess as belonging to Clam. Edward growled at the lack of choices. After a few seconds, he decided that he'd just have to swallow whatever Clam the cook was stirring up. _Ew!_

Raj came back with a notebook. "May I take your order?" He twittered. Edward crumpled the menu up into a ball and flung it at the elephant's head. "Fine! I'll take the soup!" This small act of violence rested his soul a bit.

Raj grinned nervously, trying hard to be polite for Lazlo's sake. Lazlo looked at his menu, cupped his chin in his hand, and went, "Hmmm…"

Edward seethed. He tapped his fingers on the stump and waited. Finally he burst out, "There's only one thing on the menu, Lazlo, pick it!"

Lazlo giggled. It wasn't that he was stupid and didn't notice that the menu lacked any real choices, it was just that Lazlo thought pouring over a menu was an essential part of a 'going to a posh restaurant' experience. Either way, he ordered the soup.

Raj carefully wrote down their orders with a somewhat obsessive-compulsive attention to spelling (one could only double check the spelling of the word 'soup' so many times…) and took the order to the cook. The cook, Clam, promptly took the paper and dropped it into the cooking pot, giving it a good stir.

"This is crazy!" Raj hissed. Clam stared at his own cooking. Raj hadn't ever judged his cooking abilities before.

"I meant this date!" Raj quickly corrected after seeing that look of dismay on Clam's face.

Clam nodded, then shrugged. He poured out two bowls of soup and handed them to Raj. Unlike Raj, he didn't believe that it was his place to judge their enigmatic leader.

Back at the table, Edward had already decided to take out his rage on the service. He grinned sneakily when Raj came back with the soup, deciding that he had always wanted to try what he was thinking about doing…

He took some lint out of his pocket and dropped it into the soup when no one was looking. He took a deep breath and declared, "Oh Maître D'! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Where?" Exclaimed Raj, leaning over the soup.

"Right there!" Edward yelled, pushing him in. It wasn't what he was planning to do in the first place, but seeing Raj lean over the soup like that was too big a chance to resist. That, and the fact that he messed up the first line of the joke.

Raj slowly lifted his head out of the soup. He was mad.

He was so mad that Dumbo's mother attacking circus visitors and dropping the ringmaster into a barrel had _nothing_ on him.

"I'll kill him!" He raged. Both Lazlo and Clam had to hold him back.

"You can't kill him, Raj!" Lazlo said, trying his hardest to seem calm.

"And why not?!"

"Because you're a gentle, peace loving guy." He explained. And, oddly enough, Lazlo believed this with all his heart…

"Wuss!" Barked Clam, although he also believed this with all his heart.

Raj calmed down. They were right, of course. Edward could take him any day and he wasn't up to having a fight.

Clam took his hand and led him back to the pot, which had now become Clam's personal cauldron of weird concoctions. "Make soufflé, make soufflé!" He yelled, repeating it ecstatically.

Lazlo sat back in his chair. "That wasn't very nice, Edward…"

Despite the fact that he believed that he was guiltless, Edward found himself looking at his feet.

"I was bored!" he retaliated. "This so-called-date is boring, Lazlo! It sucks..."

"Oh." Lazlo's pupils dilated with understanding. "Dates aren't as fun as stagecoach robberies, are they?"

Edward didn't have anything to say to that.

"I don't really know that much about dates…" continued Lazlo. "I asked everyone I know, too. Nobody here knows anything about them."

"That's 'cuz everyone here's antisocial loners!" Edward said. And, like how both Clam and Lazlo believed that Raj was gentle and peace-loving, Edward believed his statement with all of his heart.

Lazlo smiled at him, and Edward had to look away. He had always found the monkey's smile unnerving. Lazlo tried lean back into his line of vision.

"What's a real date like, Edward?" He asked.

"Umm..." Edward blushed. "What makes you think that I know about dates?..."

"'Cuz you're so smart, Edward!" Lazlo said, giggling.

Encouraged by this, Edward blurted out the only single thing he knew about dates. "Well, my brother said that they start with dancing and end with sex…" He said this with nearly no expression on his face. He knew he'd regret it as soon as he said it. He tried to avoid looking at Lazlo's face so he won't blush again.

He glanced up. To his surprise, Lazlo seemed pretty mellow.

"What's sex?" Lazlo asked suddenly. Edward fell off his log. "Well, there goes our relationship!" He snapped.

The last thing Edward said didn't make much sense to Lazlo, so he promptly erased it from his mind, but something in the sentence before that one agreed with the happy-go-lucky primate…

He got out of his seat, walked to Edward's side of the table, leaned down, grabbed the younger boy's hand, and pulled him up. "What kind of dance?"

"Guh?" Edward didn't hear him since he was too shocked. One minute he was on the ground and the next minute his head was buried in Lazlo's shoulder. He pushed Lazlo away to a safe, manly distance, but he was still too close, and Lazlo was holding onto his hand.

"What kind of dance?" Lazlo repeated.

"I dunno…" He tried to remember things about dates. Things he'd seen on TV. "The waltz, I think…" and because he didn't like to seem uncertain in front of someone who thought he was smart, he added, "Yeah, that!"

Lazlo's smile, if possible, grew wider. Lazlo liked dancing. He knew there was something missing with this date thing, and that must've been it. Granted, he preferred the robot to the waltz, but the waltz was one of those dances you could dance with someone.

He took a step closer to Edward while trying to remember how it went. One of his hands was already entwined with the little platypus's he put his other had on the boy's waist, ignoring Edward's sharp intake of breath.

Lazlo started leading Edward around the clearing in small, lazy circles. Edward stumbled along. "I didn't mean _we_ should dance!" He protested.

Lazlo continued to ignore him.

"Someone will see us, Lazlo!" He raged.

"And…" Lazlo twirled him.

Edward growled under his breath, trying to regain his posture. It would be hard to explain a difficult concept like embarrassment to Lazlo. He tried to calm down. It really wasn't _so_ bad. Dancing. Even if he wasn't really good at it. Yet something nagged at him.

"Lazlo?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you said danci-"

"Not that! This date!"

"Umm…" Lazlo tried to think back to earlier that day. 'It seemed a good idea at the time' didn't sound like the answer Edward was expecting. "So you'd be happy!" He answered truthfully.

Edward's face went from crème to beet red. "It's not like I'm your friend or anything…"

"It's okay, I like you!" Lazlo said, grinning.

If Edward blushed any harder his head would've exploded. Again.

Lazlo continued talking, taking a dangerous road. "And you said you liked me!" After a moment of consideration, he corrected himself. "You said you lov-" (Edward coughed, embarrassed) "-ed me. That makes us friends, right?"

"Well…" Frankly, Edward didn't really know what that made them. He hoped it wasn't friends. He also didn't want to say that he didn't know…

He decided to throw in a random guess.

He stood on his tiptoes. "Not really…" He continued, "It sorta makes us…"

Lazlo didn't get to hear the rest, because Edward's lips were on his.

If anyone is wondering where our overtly cautious pink elephant and beloved albino pygmy rhino were at this moment, here is your answer. Back when Lazlo and Edward were discussing the intricacies of a date, Clam and Raj where walking back to get Clam's pot when, suddenly, a bear (the very same bear that Lazlo once brought back to camp) jumped out of the bushes!

Wowed by the scent of Clam's cooking, it grabbed the pot and ran. Clam took chase, because that pot was one of Clam's most prized possessions along with the nose hair trimmer that Lazlo gave him and his toaster.

Raj followed, panicking from a safe distance. He didn't know what he'd tell Lazlo if he ever lost Clam again.

When they retrieved the pot and returned to the clearing, they happened upon the scene described earlier. Namely, Edward kissing Lazlo.

They both reacted with shock, even though it was impossible for Clam to have seen them because he was wearing his darling pot over his head. They felt somewhat threatened by this, since they didn't want a love interest monopolizing their best friend's time, so they sang Timon and Pumbaa's lines from "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?"

It didn't change anything, of course, but it did make them feel better…

Edward broke off the kiss. He didn't know why he did that; it must've been Lazlo. Something about being around that monkey made you think that you could do anything you wanted without worrying about consequences. Actually, he could make you think that you'd never have to worry again.

Edward looked up at Lazlo and tried not to laugh.

He'd never seen Lazlo look so genuinely shocked before. His face was red and the hairs on his tail were all bristled up. "Um… Ah?" The monkey boy stuttered. For once in his life, Lazlo didn't feel all that confident.

It took some effort on Edward's part to regain his composure and put on his default angry face, even though he actually didn't feel angry at all. He let go of Lazlo's tie and pushed him away.

"You know I ain't gonna forgive you for turning me gay!" He said.

And with that, he turned and left. He wasn't as naïve as Lazlo as to think he'd be able to squeeze any more joy from this date. Plus, the fact that some idiots in the bushes were singing Disney songs sorta turned him off.

Tomorrow he planned on being just as mean and anti-Lazlo as yesterday morning, but this time it'd be Lazlo who'd be confused and flustered. Yeah, life wasn't as bad as he figured …

"…Een short our pal is doomed!" Sang Raj.

"Doomed, doomed!" Repeated Clam.

Lazlo snapped out of his daze. "Who? What? Where'd Edward go?"

The end

_Author's note: woo! Woohoo! I actually finished something! Wow it's late at night I hope this fic doesn't seem rushed or anything I wanted to finish it this week or I would've had to wait till after the weekend to submit it. Writing Lazlo/Edward is fun I should do it more often I'm a traditionalist so I finished this one with a kiss I don't think there are any LazED kisses on this site yet …_

_The Next one should be longer yea?_


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